I’ve written a murder mystery musical!

Folks…I have written a murder mystery musical. Well, I should say I have co-written it. The book and lyrics are by me, and the music is by an extremely talented composer called Annette Armitage (you might not have heard of her yet but she is destined to be the next Leonard Bernstein – trust me.) I was inspired to write this musical after attending a production of Romeo and Juliet in which my daughter played Juliet – and to which ace songs had been added, turning it into a musical.

The show was approximately 400% more fun than any other production of Romeo and Juliet that I’ve ever seen and I realised…turning things into musicals is *always* a great idea. Then I thought – hang on, I write murder mysteries…and at that moment I knew that there was nothing on earth that I wanted to do more than write a murder mystery musical. So I, or rather we, did!

The musical is called The Mystery of Mr. E, and there are two ways to describe it – general and specific.

General: Think Agatha Christie’s The Mousetrap meets Tim Minchin’s Matilda and that will give you some sense of what kind of show it is. If I’m honest, it probably has a dash of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt in there too – strange and eccentric humour. The Mystery of Mr. E is a traditional, family-friendly, puzzle-based murder mystery, with an eccentric school featuring prominently in it. It contains ten completely original songs with brilliantly catchy tunes. (Annette is a properly highbrow classical music person, but I exerted my lowbrow influence and the result of our working together is songs that are immensely hum-able but also musically complex and layered.)

Specific: John Danes, a ‘generalist’ who does all sorts of strange jobs for all kinds of strange people, is about to set off to Idlewyld House, former home of the late, great Harriet Landrigan – the most famous and bestselling romantic novelist the world has ever known – when a strange man arrives to intercept him. This stranger knows that John is expected at Idlewyld House, though he won’t say how he knows. When asked who he is, he says only ‘I am the murderer.’ And then he disappears. Arriving at Idlewyld House, John asks if there is a murder there for him to solve and is assured that nothing of that sort has happened…

John is determined to solve the mystery: a murderer whose face he has seen, but about whom he knows nothing, and with no apparent murder attached to him. Until suddenly, one of the house guests at Idlewyld House is found dead – stabbed in the back at the foot of the stairs. But, though there are many people at Idlewyld House who could have killed him, the man calling himself The Murderer was definitely not one of them…

Today – actual today! – I am talking to a well-known producer about The Mystery of Mr. E and how best to introduce it to the world at large. But I already know when its first outing will be – the first ever performances will be at Sancton Wood School in Cambridge, between 6 and 9 December. (Email or tweet me if you are desperate for a ticket, as surely you will be after reading this!) My children will be starring in it – one voluntarily, and one after being heavily bribed with skateboarding equipment.

More news will follow in due course – including appearances of the musical at other schools and at literature festivals. In the meantime, here are the lyrics to Oscar’s song. He’s a twelve-year-old disaffected ne’er-do-well who never does any of his schoolwork or homework!

I’D MUCH PREFER TO SOLVE A MYSTERY!

Do they think it’s realistic
To say ‘Do your homework, child’?
I would answer them, but no one really cares.
Chances are, there’s a sadistic
Killer here at Idlewyld
Dropping corpses at the bottom of our stairs –

A significant distraction
From the chemical reaction
That occurs when hydro-what’s-it-called meets lead.
I’ve got Scripture prep for Monday
But I’ll have a more well-done day
If I help to catch a murderer instead.

Let the conscientious learners
Form strong bonds with Bunsen Burners
And debate Guy Fawkes and other…cutlery.
If you want to sketch a toucan
From some dull rain-forest, you can,
But I’d much prefer to solve a mystery!

If I never reach Kings College
Where they stuff you full of knowledge,
If I never reach St John’s or Trinity,
I’ll just head right back to Pffisham
And explain that it’s John Grisham
Not John Dalton that I’d really like to be.

The dead man’s an Oscar-winner,
And since Oscar is my name,
It’s quite natural that it should fall to me
To detect a lurking sinner
And apportion heaps of blame
To the cryptic and nefarious Mr E!

A significant distraction
From the chemical reaction
That occurs when hydro-blah-di-blah meets lead.
I’ve got Scripture prep for Monday
But I’ll have a more well-done day
If I help to catch a murderer instead.

Let the conscientious learners
Form strong bonds with Bunsen Burners
And debate Guy Fawkes and other…cutlery.
If you want to sketch a toucan
From some dull rain-forest, you can,
But I’d much prefer to solve a mystery!
Yes, I’d much prefer…to solve…a mystery!